Noah's Ark is Discovered!
(Deism Faux News)
According to recent news reports from our ever vigilant media, Noah's ark has been found once again. The eminent Arkeologist, Spade Digsmore, has just returned from Turkey with yet another piece of wood that can only be from Noah's ark. According to professor Digsmore, the piece of wood survived for 4,500 years because it was pressure treated.
Now I know that scoffers will ridicule the idea of a world wide flood reaching fifteen cubits (Gen. 7:20) above the tops of all the mountains of the world. That's about five miles of water. But verily, the Bible warns us that there will be scoffers in the last days (2 Peter 3:3), thus, their very scoffing proves Bible truth.
Some may wonder how Noah, who was 600 years old (Gen. 7:6), managed to get all those animals (dinosaurs, polar bears?) on board the love boat. But the flood story has to be true because Jesus (God's other son, before Ronald Reagan) mentions it in both the inspired books of Matthew and Luke. True believing Fundagellicals know that Jesus also mentioned other Bible truths like Lot's wife being turned into a pillar of salt, naked Adam and Eve, Jonah and the fish story, and of course King David (who once saw the Bible god riding on a flying cherub - 2 Sam. 22:11). There is even a geneology (Luke #3) of Jesus that goes all the way back to Adam. (Don't read the one in Matthew, #1, it's totally different, a trick of Satan who knows scripture.) Anyway, the genealogy in Luke mentions Noah (Noe) and so proves that not only is there a Noah's Ark but that evolution is a lie.
So, on board the ark were the 600 year old Noah and his three 100 year old sons, Shem(p?), Ham and Japeth (or was it Moe, Larry and Curly?), and their three wives who remain nameless because after-all they were only women. Someone had to clean up after all those animals and dinosaurs. And of course there was Noah's wife. The Bible didn't give her a name either, but Spade Digsmore discovered on Mt. Ararat a high school yearbook, wrapped in a shroud, from the class of 2500 BC with her picture and name. It was Joan. Joan of Ark. Beside the year book was a box of tea bags and a loaded rifle. When the Ark was launched, those without citizenship papers, and birth certificates were "left behind" to die with their grandmothers.
The best part of this true Bible story is that during Noah's ocean cruise, the Bible god killed all those left behind because they were wicked. He even killed all the animals, including the cuddly bunny rabbits, baby pandas and kitty cats who must have been wicked too. The Bible god did not overlook the unborn babies and infants since he killed all of them as well as they were wicked because they were stained with original sin which we all get from Adam and Eve who let a talking snake convince them to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Curiously, the wickedness may have actually been caused by the "giants" and the other "sons of God" (Gen 6:4), who saw the "daughters of men that they were beautiful." The women didn't have burkas on so the "sons of God" couldn't help themselves, and well, you know what happened next. "The wickedness of man was great in the earth," and according to professor Digsmore, it was so bad that the people had socialized mediSin, and they watched a lot of Jane Fonda movies.
And so it came to pass, the ark ran out of gas and landed on a hill. Noah and his sons wasted no time growing grapes and producing a lot of wine that must have been pretty good because the righteous Noah drank of the wine and passed out in his tent, bare assed naked (Gen. 9:21). Then they got down to the business of being fruitful and multiplying. Unfortunately, after the flood the people were just as wicked as the people who had been left behind. So what was the point, you ask? Perhaps professor Digsmore will find out when the true ark is found again next year. I will be anxiously awaiting the reports of the next amazing discovery at the super market check out. Amen.
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