Finally I have a name for what I am! I have been struggling with the teachings of Christianity for so many years. I was one of those brainwashed zombies who actually believed the bible was a book of facts. I have for the past 10 years struggled with what to do. I have small kids so the church environment seemed like a good idea but, what about me? What about the fact that I no longer believed the nonsense that is taught? I can not tell you how wacked out the phrase "personal relationship with the savior" began to sound. Christians don't even worship God they worship someone who was elected to be his son.
I believe there is a power out there that no one can comprehend. This power is found everywhere and in all of nature. The conception of a child, the sprouting of a seed to a tree, the wind, the tides, and the stars in the sky are all evidence of an unconceivable and incomprehensible power. This is God. Not a jealous spirit who chose a special group of people and guided them to a special land which has been ravished by war for as long as history has been recorded. Not a gullible spirit who allowed a snake in a garden to out wit him. Not an insecure spirit who destroyed the planet with a flood because he lost control of the people. I believe the power that caused the creations of the past and those still occurring are explained by the existence of a deity, a power, and I like so many others do not believe this god to be the one described in the Bible, the Torah, or the Koran. I believe the word of god to be what is found in nature and what is found in our inner sense of reason and morality.
For years I thought that my faith was weak and that I was not a good Christian and needed to pray and read my bible. Prayer - helped but, the bible did not. The bible just cast more doubt because when I read the bible I found so many things wrong with it. There were just too many things in it that defied reason and there were just so many things in the bible that portray god as jealous and weak. This is more human than it is deity. This is not God. It's also confusing to accept that God would allow an additional all powerful evil deity - Satan. I know many Christians are good and honest people who believe and do good deeds in the name of Jesus. I also feel sorry for them because they don't need to do good deeds for the "glory of god" and to earn "salvation" - they can just do them because it feels good. They don't need to live with the threat of eternal damnation if they do not believe things that totally defy reason. The threat of eternal damnation and the promise of everlasting life are unproven and baseless. No one has ever died and come back from the dead so there is no evidence or facts that attribute to what can happen to us when our body expires. Many people believe solely because they are told if they don't they will go to hell. This is not faith, this is spiritual extortion.
I must admit sometimes I feel that I am attacking Christians. I don't mean to do it but, I get really angry when I see people throw words around like "Jesus is the Reason for the Season" and America is a "Christian Nation". It just baffles me that people still believe the fairy tale when they are really prisoners and if they allowed themselves to think things through logically and with a sense of reason they can free themselves from the threat of a non-existent hell and just enjoy their life, enjoy nature, and be kind to one another.
In God I Trust.. Nature's God and Providence.
Thank you for helping me see that there was nothing wrong with me and that what was really wrong was what I was trying to force myself to believe.